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Oxford

by Allan Hill

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1.
Angell Woods 02:16
right now the morning light is breaking past the window it’s tearing through the curtains somehow the winning side is looking like the worst bet when winning has no purpose you want to try and celebrate your death the way you’ll go away to find some kind of regimen an order in your reckoning now lights out the row of homes contained behind the tree line the uniform division barn owl the predator returns back to the ground with no use for its vision you want to try and celebrate your death the way you’ll go away to find some kind of regimen an order in your reckoning now
2.
lay down the floor is colder now than it was in June when everything felt warmer right now the exit signs are counting down to zero but i’ll be gone by 2 there’s a feeling i can’t explain that comes this time of year it makes me want you near the overpasses i would watch the cars on at eighteen well now i’m underneath yellow lines and fishing wire keep tying us together but i’m not feeling closer than before i wish i could feel more somehow the only thing that’s keeping me alive is trying to find a reason to be and i’m down to never set foot back into the city i’m gone for the next season at least there’s a feeling i can’t explain that comes this time of year it makes me want you near the overpasses i would watch the cars on at eighteen well now i’m underneath yellow lines and fishing wire keep tying us together but i’m not feeling closer than before i wish i could feel more
3.
i’m learning self control when i pass the Alexander when i leave the record store and i’m somehow empty-handed September comes to call little boy September’s all around you you’ve scattered on the floor little boy while i’ve got things to tend to i’m not your lover and i won’t be your friend i’m not your lover and i’m not your friend i’m learning self control when i pass the Alexander she’s gentle on the call and i forget that i can’t stand her November comes to call little boy she’s lavender and leather you haven’t pushed at all little boy and i’ve got better things to tend to i’d like to see you try i’d like you to remember i’d like to see you try i’d like to see you
4.
66 02:27
light hits the lens like the sun hits the asphalt in August on route 66 burning the skin of your arms off the bone, it’s just violence disguised as a kiss hiding in cupboards and alleyways haunted apartments telephones calls that you missed full sink in the kitchen and trash in the driveway learning the truth of impermanence the hard way there is a level crossing cutting through main street that hasn’t been used in a year makes for a great spot to loiter past dark where the wasters crack open a beer those guys are me just a couple of months ago sitting with legs folded over Park avenue digging through cellars with open hands grasping at straws grasping at uncertain plans
5.
if i can’t get to where you are tonight i’ll drive in circles the same and when the mileage is the point of the car three hundred thousand doesn’t seem so far, ah-ah in the moment where the axis is off it’s not who i am but it’s not who i’m not and when the intersection comes to a halt i recall that i miss the run to the train i found a letter i wrote with Lane that i thought i had lost when we both moved away red light you’ve been a friend of mine crossing the line between love, space and time and when the freezing rain has coated the ground we fall down and on the corner block of Barrington we wait for the bus while we wait for the sun she said that every passenger is only a shell she can tell that everything i do is in shame losing sleep over calls and tracking planes and i’m crushed by the dark room where i lay again
6.
[matteo] i’ve been standing in the tall grass split in half looking down gathering pieces from the living room floor i’ve been an object in the shape of a man wandering into the traffic lights for a midnight message at the bedroom door i’ve been standing in the college parking lot for an hour or two orange light from the neighbourhood watch time and space is bent by the highway lines and the sound of friends but you know that dorm rooms aren’t the same at twenty-two [gareth] save all my secrets till they turn to dust and all my trust is laid out in the spite in your coldest shoulder sweating on a summer night rolling down my back like water drowning out the armour come home, back to my body or disappear sometimes i wish i never knew to mourn the feeling of relief can’t hold off all my love but the way the war forgot me place your hand in burning concrete so i can come back in 20 years and call your bluff so i can come back in 20 years and feel your touch
7.
Cemetery 03:04
here she comes again in a burning blaze of independence and i rack my brain to send my fondest wishes as a penance i’ve been where she resides in the autumn wind and constellations and though her body dies her memory will come to save us i’ve crossed a line i’ve followed bones in a horrid show of desperation i’ve been walked home in a humbling humiliation he’s waiting at the door with eyes that i once called the kindest and a violent look of horror as i use his tombstone as a footrest i flicker at the ends the wire’s burning through the rubber and i strive to comprehend the act of being someone’s lover i’ve been where he resides in the empty hallway of confusion and the synapses’ divide define what it means to be human i’ve seen the edge i’ve dug a hole in a vapid show of self-negation and i walk him home for a last sadistic conversation he’s watching from the door with eyes that i once called the kindest and a violent look of horror as i start to draw the blinds regardless
8.
Oxford 02:21
sprawled out in the living room dust gets still, suspended in the orange sun drawing lines above the staircase warm light meets picture frames not one mine, but still they will remain on the wall when i’m long gone and everything will come to end it’s always on my mind but for the first time everything keeps changing and i’m fine night walk in the same direction say ‘hello’ with a similar inflection the kitchen’s clean burnt toast and magazines ten minutes from the coast i’ve been many times but it’s her first so we take the long way we reach the cliff and i say everything will come to end it’s always on my mind every minute of the day everything current in the bay everything will come to end it’s always on my mind but for the first time everything keeps changing and i’m fine
9.
tried to write a victory song but i don’t have a cause for celebration brushing the concrete and dust from my knees someone walked me home last night i would rather be alone but it’s better than falling asleep at the wheel when you’re watching the nights become days and the bus driver asks you the way well c’mon - isn’t this your job man? when the last neighbour turns out the lights and the cops are patrolling outside i sit on the hill embarrassed by the morning sun the houses look the same and so does everyone

credits

released June 10, 2022

All tracks written and produced by Matteo Gueli
Track 6 written by Matteo Gueli and Gareth Black

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Allan Hill Montreal, Québec

some songs written & recorded in my room

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